More
Funnies 
Click the appropriate
page number to go ahead (or back) to other humor pages: 1 2 3 4 5 7
You can always tell
when a man has lost his soul to flying. The poor bastard is hopelessly
committed to stopping whatever he is doing long enough to look up and make
sure the aircraft purring overhead continues on course and does not suddenly
fall out of the sky.
Ernest K Gann, 'Fate
is the Hunter.'
U.S. Army Regulations
for the Operation of Aeroplanes
(January, 1920)
- Do not take the machine into the air unless you are satisfied
it will fly.
- Never leave the ground if the motor is dripping.
- Do not make any sharp turns while on the ground.
- Sharp turns will be made by lifting the tail.
- No machine will taxi faster than a man can walk.
- Never run motor so as to blow on other machines.
- Never get out of a machine with the motor on until the
pilot taking over can reach the controls.
- Pilots should carry kerchiefs in a place so as to clean
his goggles.
- Riding on the step, wing, or rails of the machine is
prohibited.
- Never take a machine into the air until you are familiar
with the controls and nstruments.
- Pilots shall not wear spurs when flying. No two cadets
shall ride together in the same machine.
- In case the motor stops when taking to the air, the pilot
should land straight ahead regardless of obstacles.
- On taking to the air, one should look at the ground and
the air.
- You must not take-off or land closer than 50 feet to
the hangar.
- Hedge-hopping shall not be tolerated.
- No spins on back or tail slides will be indulged in as
it puts unnecessary strain on the machine.
- Do not trust altitude gages.
- If you see another machine near you, get out of the way.
- Learn to gauge altitude, especially when landing.
- IF FLYING AGAINST THE WIND AND YOU WISH TO FLY WITH THE
WIND, DO NOT MAKE A SHARP TURN NEAR THE GROUND. *** YOU MAY CRASH. ***
- If an emergency occurs while in the air, LAND as soon
as possible.
- Before you begin a landing glide, look to see that no
machines are below you.
- Motors have been known to stop while on a long glide.
- If the pilot wishes to use the motor to land, he should
open the throttle.
- Do not attempt to force the machine onto the ground with
more than flying speed.The result is bouncing or ricocheting.
- Do not use aeronautical gasoline in motorcycles or automobiles.
Watch Your Speech If
You Have An Affair With A Pilot
From the
Lafayette Escadrille D' Arizona
Home page
A husband suspects his wife
is having an affair with a
pilot but she keeps denying
it until finally the
husband just knew when his
wife said: "Honey, if I've told
you once, I've told you
niner thousand
times, negative on the affair
..."
From the 7/28/97 
Internet site:
.
. . SHORT FINAL
Heard on the frequency
at BNA (Nashville, Tennessee):
Aircraft:
"Hey, that altimeter setting we got put us 15 feet underground!"
Tower:
"Well, up-periscope and taxi to the ramp!"
We
Remember!
From
the Lafayette
Escadrille D' Arizona Home page
- The German controllers at
Frankfurt Airport were a short tempered lot, they not only expected you
to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance
from them, so it was with some amusement that we (Pan Am 747) listened
to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways
747 (Speedbird)
Speedbird: "Good
morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground:
"Guten morgan, taxi to your gate.
The BA 747 pulls
onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird,
do you not know where you are going?!"
Speedbird:
"Standby ground, I'm looking up the gate location now.
Ground (with typical
German patience): "Speedbird, have you
never been to Frankfurt before?!"
Speedbird (cooly):
"Yes, 1944, but I didn't stop."
Welcome
to AVfalsch, a weekly summary of the latest aviation news, rumors, innuendoes,
and irrelevancies featured on:
From the 3/32/98
Internet site:
A HEAD PENGUIN TO FLY? FAA ADMINISTRATOR STARTS
FLIGHT TRAINING
FAA Administrator Jane F. "Flightless"
Garvey, tired of being nicknamed "The Penguin," announced plans
Tuesday to begin flying lessons. Sharing the podium at the Washington Aero
Club with Garvey was AOPA President Phil Boyer who personally accepted
the challenge of introducing Garvey to the joys of flight on behalf of
pilots everywhere. In an effort to show Garvey the advanced state of the
art in aviation, they will use AOPA's Timeless Piper Tri-Pacer for her
flying lessons.
WHAT'S IN A NAME?: FAA PROPOSES LONGER N-NUMBERS
Taking a page from state motor vehicle departments
around the U.S., the FAA today announced a change to the age-old N-number
registration scheme. If the policy change is approved, aircraft owners
will soon be able to choose their own "vanity" registrations.
In announcing the new policy, FAA Administrator Jane F. Garvey posed with
an illustration of the agency's flagship -- formerly known as "N1"
-- which will be the first to benefit. The aircraft's new registration?
"NONE."
FAA EXPANDS ADA COVERAGE TO GA: DISABILITY
CHANGES PLANNED
In keeping with its new slogan, "We Love
You, Man", the FAA last week announced it is ordering the complete
retrofit of all existing piston, turbine and jet aircraft, both private
and commercial, to comply with the Americans With Disabilities Act (ADA).
FAA's Director of Sensitivity and Caring, F.E. "Dick" Weed, told
a packed auditorium that mandated changes include but are not limited to
Braille check-lists for visually challenged pilots, headsets impregnated
with Rogaine for those who are follicularly challenged, and rudder pedal
add-ons for the vertically challenged.
BILL BUYS BOEING BIZJETS: MICROSOFT MAGNATE
GOES TO THE AIR
Microsoft Chairman and CEO Bill Gates announced
today that he has placed an order with Boeing for three new, fully customized
747-400 personal aircraft. The new "Billjets" will not have the
normal high-bypass turbofan engines, but instead will use a super-scalar
array of 333-mHz Pentium II microprocessors complete with cooling fans.
Boeing has promised delivery no later than 3Q 1999. "So, Bill should
have them by 2002," an unidentified Boeing official stated.
NOTE: This special edition of AvWeb is presented
in good humor
and hopes that if we've inadvertently offended
anyone, we managed to inadvertently offend everyone equally.
Santa's Checkride with the FAA
From the
Lafayette Escadrille D' Arizona
Home page
One day Santa was surprised
to find an FAA inspector showing up on his doorstep who insisted on giving
Santa a checkride in his sleigh. Santa protested that he wasn't flying
an airplane and wasn't governed by any of the FARs but the FAA inspector
insisted he wouldn't be allowed to cross into US airspace without an approved
checkride.
So Santa relented, strapped
in his reindeer and prepared the sleigh for takeoff.
As he took his seat at the reins
he noticed the FAA inspector sat down beside him with a shotgun. Somewhat
alarmed Santa asked him why he carried a shotgun! The FAA inspector turned
to Santa and, after a moment's hesitation, said
"Well, what the heck.
I'm really not supposed to tell you this ahead of time
but you're going to lose
one on takeoff!"
This page last updated:
Who cares!